Study Shows Lascivious Gossip Spreads 489% Faster in Indian Call Centers

"I heard they even went hot-tubbing in Rajasthan while his wife was in surgery!"

"I heard they even went hot-tubbing in Rajasthan while his wife was in surgery!"

“Amma, you will not believe what has happened today at the office…”

“I heard they did such dirty things at the Telecomm conference last year in Bangalore. . .”

“I can’t believe that filthy woman is carrying on like that with her low cut blouses!”

“Sunil saw him hand-feed her onion pakoras last week! Chi! Shameless people!”

A new startling study released by Dr. Piddle Lutz of the Sociology Department of Columbia University reveals of all business, governmental, cultural, political & social institutions in the world, Indian call centers are most efficient at spreading tawdry gossip, significantly beating its closest competitor, a Korean Presbyterian church.

To accurately compare the velocity and scale of gossip distribution, Dr. Lutz planted a single piece of gossip in each entity and tracked how quickly the gossip spread between members and how many people beyond the member class learned of the gossip – such as mothers, aunties, and high school friends.

The results were remarkable.

“The piece of gossip I chose to plant was the most tantalizing I could think of,” said Dr. Lutz, “A worker, who might be a sex addict, having a steamy affair with the married boss and then threatening to tell the newspaper if the boss didn’t split with his/her spouse or, in the alternative, buy the worker three new Honda scooters.”

Sushmila Reddy, a call center worker, said, “Well, when I heard of this terrible shameless thing happening, I quickly told my cubicle mates, Radhika and Jai, who sit half a metre away from me and then I put my headset on and called my Amma in Hyderabad, Uma Aunty in New York City, my brother in Palo Alto, and my dentist, Dr. Ghosh – to tell them what nonsense things are happening in my office place. How could I not?”

Lutz’s results show that the planted rumor spread like wildfire, reaching every single person in the call center in under 7 seconds. Further, after one hour, he approximates that over 245,678 people around the world heard of the call center affair, including Beyonce, two Russian cosmonauts, and a group of Chilean miners.

Dr. Lutz explained, “Clearly it is the proximity to each other and to phones capable of making long distance calls combined with a culture that absolutely relishes malicious gossip that results in such an incredibly efficient transfer of information.”

Which entity took the longest to spread the gossip? A German public library.

Various governments are carefully studying information transfer in Indian call centers to see if the structure can be used to alert citizens about impending natural disasters – such as floods and tornados – and terrorism attacks.

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