Washington, D.C.: Shortly after President Trump's devastating announcement that the U.S. would withdraw from the Paris Agreement, a historic global agreement to fight climate change, babies across the world resigned themselves to an unstable, hopeless, and dreary future.
"He's listlessly breastfeeding all day while demanding we binge watch Scandal," lamented Holly Chen, mother of 9 month old Bradley, "He stopped clapping at the washing machine or trying to put trash in his mouth. Sometimes he just lays in his crib for hours, listening to Adele surrounded by dirty milk bottles."
Pediatricians have noticed an abrupt increase in weight gain and lethargy in young patients after the announcement. "I have babies coming in who, let's just be honest here, have become total slobs," said Dr. Vishal Patel, head of Pediatrics at Mt. HolyMoley Hospital in Silver Springs, Maryland. "They're a mess - pureed food smeared in their hair, potato chip crumbs deep in their thigh crevasses, filthy onesies caked with apple sauce, old milk breath. I mean, they're hard to look at, let alone conduct full physical examinations on."
Horatio Ramirez was heartbroken by his child's sudden change in demeanor, in particular, his loathing of a one time favorite game. "I hid my face behind my hands," recounted Ramirez, "And when I popped out and cried PEEK-A-BOO!, he rolled his eyes and then dumped everything in my wallet behind the couch."
Some babies have fared well in the face of catastrophic news - primarily those who are really good looking.