Upper Class Housewife Creates Precious Stones Between Massive Buttocks
Hyderabad: When Janthi Reddy waddled into the massive wedding hall for her cousin-brother GopalaKrishna's matrimonial celebration, two thousand bulging eyes (many swollen with conjunctivitis) were immediately upon her, open and wide in both shock and amazement. The air quickly became sticky with envy.
Harsh whispers could be heard throughout the venue.
"My god, look how large those rubies are! They must be artificial just like her husband's hairpiece."
"Chi chi! Such beautiful diamonds wasted on that fat neck and ugly face."
"I bet her husband bought her such big big jewels because he is feeling guilty"
"I hear he is having an affair with his gastroenterologist after getting a colonoscopy."
The reason for these spiteful mutterings was obvious: Janthi was brazenly decked in enormous, glorious, and luminous diamonds and rubies from head to tow - from huge hanging jhumka earrings to nose rings to swinging necklaces to columns of thick bangles to jingly anklets to toe rings adorning all 9 of her foot digits (one toe was lost to a mongoose trap several years back).
Incredibly, though, these jewels were not the product of typical geophysical processes - they were created by the extreme heat and pressure not in the mantle of the Earth but rather between Janthi's enormous bourgeoisie buttocks.
"I first discovered that I had this amazing gift to create precious stones after visiting the Ganga River," explained Janthi, dabbing sweat from her upper lip, "I had entered the Ganga deep in prayer, asking Lord Ganesha to bless me with just enough wealth and prosperity to make my irritating neighbor Lalitha deadly envious of me."
"When I squatted over the latrine later that day following a bumpy five hour jeep ride home, I heard several loud 'tink, tink' sounds," she continued, "Confused since my business never makes these sounds, I looked down and saw several pieces of glass in the bowl."
Janthi then realized that sand from the banks of the river had entered her bum and after the prolonged ass-clenching ride home, the sand had actually turned to glass.
"Once I discovered this amazing power Lord Ganesh gifted to me, I immediately went to work sticking various elements in my bum, such as coal to make diamonds and corundum to make rubies," she explained.
Janthi would often watch suspenseful thriller films, eat large amounts of spicy gongora pickle, or lift large heavy boxes up over her head to cause her bum to tighten, thereby accelerating the process. "After about one month, I had enough diamonds and rubies to make that idiot Lalitha drop dead," sneered Janthi.
Lalitha, in fact, did faint after seeing Janthi's shocking jewel collection at Gopalakrishna's wedding, suffering a mild concussion and a broken tooth.